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02 June 2020

Refuse and Recycling Guide

Please help us to help you to avoid incurring a hefty fine by ensuring that you dispose of your refuse in the correct manner. The following guide shows which bins should be used and the collection days for your area.

Black bin

Type

  • General household waste

Collection

Every other Tuesday

Green bin

Type

  • Paper, cardboard and plastics
  • Waste blubber

Collection

Occasional Mondays

Purple bin

Type

  • Body parts
  • Organic fluids
  • Waste waists

Collection

First Tuesday in Lent

Blue bin

Type

  • Daydreams, strange thoughts and abstract concepts

Collection

January-April

Yellow bin

Type

  • Viscous non-volatile liquids
  • Smells (various)

Collection

Late summer

Gold bin

Type

  • Household pets

Collection

Wednesday afternoon at 2.30pm

Light blue bin

Type

  • Illegal electrical items
  • Incriminating evidence

Collection

When we feel like it

Orange bin

Type

  • VHS editions of Apocalypse Now
  • Paperback copies of Jaws by Peter Benchley
  • Old Monopoly sets with half the property cards missing
  • Signed copies of Push by Bros

Collection

When you're not expecting it

PLEASE NOTE:
The following items CANNOT be collected as part of your household waste.

Nuclear symbol

Nuclear waste

Nuclear symbol

Machine parts

Nuclear symbol

Amphibians

Nuclear symbol

Spare physicists

Nuclear symbol

The A42 between Loughborough and Ashby-de-la-Zouch

Nuclear symbol

Custard

 

IMPORTANT

All bins left out for collection will be recycled.

If you do not want your bin to be recycled please either place a note on it saying 'Please do not recycle my bin', or place your recycling loose on the road outside your property.

Notes pinned to bins will not be recycled.

Please make sure any smells are securely secured within the secure containers provided.

Gravy bins will be emptied when we feel like it. Please apply to the town bailiff if you would like your treacle tank siphoned. Do not, under any circumstances, bring out your dead.


06 May 2020

Stupid Stories

Out now, FREE to download

Stupid Stories

These eleven short stories, previously featured on The University of the Bleeding Obvious, plus two brand new tales, take us to a lost island where kitchen appliances have turned feral, to a fold in time normally hidden from view of ordinary mortals, and to the dark and deathly lair of the Hedgehog King. We join an intrepid adventurer as he attempts to catapult himself to Venus, eavesdrop on the plans and plots of devils and demons, and marvel at the eminent Monsieur La Cranque's attempts to unlock The Mystery of the Shit Faced Man.

There's also a poem, but it's very short, so don't let that put you off.

Includes:

  • Cooker Island
  • Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
  • Jacob Wanting
  • Made in Heaven
  • Venus by Catapult
  • Board Meeting
  • Tall Story in a Short Glass
  • Donna Quixote
  • Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
  • The Hedgehog King
  • The Mystery of the Shit Faced Man
  • Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
  • The Day Before Tomorrow
  • The Last Supper

Download FREE PDF

Download FREE EPUB

Download FREE MOBI


10 April 2020

Sid James in Smokey and the Bandit

Sid James in Smokey and the Bandit


28 March 2020

How to be Sweary

with Professor Timothy Bottom

Nowhere is the frenetic pace at which language evolves so excitingly demonstrated than in the field of swearing. If you passionately want someone to know that they are a complete FRUMPBANGLER, or a rancid heap of SPAPCHIT, or even that they are the inbred son of a TWANKY FROOTPAPPER, then you have an almost limitless choice of words and phrases at your disposal. And that choice is expanding all the time as people come up with new insults, oaths and expletives.

So let's take a look at some of the most interesting swearwords in circulation and, if you can get the hang of how to use them, maybe you won't finish up looking like a complete SPRUNT.

Trumpshaft

This word derives from the old German word 'trampschaft', which was used up until the mid-19th century to describe a major component on a foot-treadle operated loom. The trampschaft was known to break frequently, causing significant inconvenience, expense and injury - especially when it flew off unexpectedly and hit workers in the rear.

What made it worse was that the trampschaft was an entirely redundant part of the overall mechanism, serving no purpose other than to provide work for travelling loom menders. Not surprising then that in its modern form TRUMPSHAFT is used to describe something that is unreliable, useless and likely to be a pain in the arse.

Frattocky

If someone called you FRATTOCKY, you might think that it meant that you were like a frattock. Well, that's rubbish, but it's not unexpected since it's exactly the kind of thing that a FRATTOCKY person like you would believe. FRATTOCKY is used to describe someone who jumps to logical conclusions based on perfectly reasonable assumptions, but who must be ridiculed and derided for it all the same. There is no such thing as a 'frattock'. You are not to know that but we're going to laugh about you all the same, because you're so FRATTOCKY.

Speedletwap

SPEEDLETWAP has two distinct meanings, depending on how it is used. If a total stranger was to hiss it at you from their corner of their mouth, perhaps as you were passing them on the street, then it means a small, hand-operated talcum powder dispenser of the type once common in the 18th century. Since such hand-operated talcum powder dispensers are these days quite rare, and since it is even rarer that anyone would want to clandestinely mention such an object to you in the street, the use of the word in this context has all but died out.

Alternatively, if someone was to scream the word SPEEDLETWAP at full volume directly into your face, it means the former residence of Baron Otto von Liepstein of Bavaria. The building was demolished more than eighty years ago and the only person ever known to go around screaming it at people is currently in a secure hospital, so the use of the word in this context is equally rare.

I don't know why I mentioned it, really.

Tupplemonking

In these enlightened times, TUPPLEMONKING is no longer an offence in most Western nations. Not if you're doing it right, anyway. That said, you'd probably get a few disapproving looks if you started TUPPLEMONKING in the fruit and veg aisle of your local supermarket. I certainly did, anyway, and the manager wasn't at all pleased when he had to throw out a whole consignment of fresh radishes.

Chonk

I'm sure most people will be familiar with this one: CHONK is one of the most commonly used words in the English language, helped by the fact that it can be used in a wide variety of different ways. You will surely have heard phrases such as "I couldn't give a CHONK, mate," "What the CHONK do you think you're playing at?" and "This CHONK suddenly got real." But what the CHONK does it all mean? Well some historians think that the word is Roman in origin, but Professor Kyle Barnabas from the Oxford Centre for Frittering Away Public Funding has gone on record to state that this is a load of old CHONK, and that the CHONKING CHONKERS who insist on perpetuating this kind of ill-educated CHONKERY ought to be CHONKED in the CHONKER, then perhaps they'd think twice before opening their stupid CHONKING mouths.

"The word clearly comes from the Greek," Professor Barnabas concludes. "And I'll have anyone who dares say different. Come on, do you want some!"

Grumpfutter

The first known use of this word was on the Rosetta Stone, an ancient Egyptian decree instructing people to stop GRUMPFUTTING in the streets. Ancient Egyptians were forever doing this, probably because they didn't have telly back in olden days, and officials were concerned that it was a public health hazard and was scaring the cattle. Any GRUMPFUTTERS who were caught GRUMPFUTTING had to have a damn good explanation for what they were doing, else they would be heavily fined or thrown in prison. This last punishment proved to be a particularly good deterrent, since Egyptian prison cells were usually far too small to get any GRUMPFUTTING done in any meaningful way.

The word appears on the Rosetta Stone in three different languages, including Egyptian Hieroglyphics, although in most reproductions the symbol for GRUMPFUTTING is censored as it is considered obscene.

Schlunt

Finally, the most recent word on our list. The first known use of SCHLUNT was a week last Tuesday when a man shouted it at me from his car after I accidentally cut him up at a roundabout. Its exact meaning is not clear, but the man didn't half seem cross.


26 March 2020

Dream Strides

Every night millions of people experience anxiety dreams in which they find themselves at work, at school or in some other public place without their trousers. This is a deeply humiliating and damaging experience, but thankfully it is one that can be avoided.

Introducing

Dream Strides

The very best in somnolent trouser solutions

We are a team of fast response tailors who have set up an emergency trouser business in dreamland, just off Junction 5 of the M6. Wherever your embarrassing dream takes you, however excruciating your predicament, we can deliver a pair of emergency trousers to you in the rapid blink of an eye. Lucid dreamers will even be able to choose from a range of exciting styles and ethereal fabrics, all expertly fashioned from dreamdust, or something, and charged to your credit or debit card when you wake up.

Not convinced? Hey! Wake up! I said, not convinced? Well, listen to what one satisfied Kevin had to say.

Hi, my name's Kevin. The other night I dreamt I was at a meeting, addressing a group of very important potential clients from a major South-East Asian multinational - which is weird, because I'm a welder. Anyway, just as I was about to stand up to speak I noticed that I wasn't wearing any trousers. Crikey, not again, I thought! It's like our Sandra's wedding reception all over again.

Luckily I remembered the number for Dream Strides and quick as a flash they rushed over a pair of voluminous pink pinstripe pantaloons that turned about to be quite a talking point. Well, I went down a storm and, needless to say, we won the contract. Thanks Dream Strides! Incidentally, I noticed that my opposite number from South Korea was wearing a pair of glow-in-the-dark jodhpurs with red piping and a glittery motif on the hip - another triumph for Dream Strides?

Anyway, I must crack on - this axle mounting won't weld itself.

So don't get caught out. Sidestep the embarrassment of night-time trouser deprivation with Dream Strides

Dream Strides

The very best in spontaneous imaginary tailoring

 


Blog Index

Archive 1

February 2001
- July 2003

Night of the Womble

"Shackled and put into slavery by their human overlords..."

Rationalising Britain's River Network

"The problem is that are simply too many of them..."


Donald Fact's Fact Spanner

"No. 128: Chinese Shelves..."

Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page

"The wonderful world of cheese..."

more...

 

 

Crime Waves

"For the year 2015/16 the crime rate in the North Sea was practically zero..."


Fire Distinguishers

"Never be burnt alive by indecision again"

Agricultural Raves

"Police crackdown on trippy cows..."

Your Staff Feedback

"Everybody thinks you're fantastic..."

more...

There & Back Again by Elastic

"Going round the world by elastic..."

Monetising Misery

Making poverty pay

Marmaduke Irksome

Talking rubbish for Britain.

Large Organ

Mr Pogley's massive organ.

My Favourite Nuts

An actor remembers

Metal Detecting

Sidney found something wholly unexpected - a World War II German U-boat.

  Nasal Hair Loss

An end to embarrassment

Harry Carson

Tiverton's top store detective

Munchy Burger

Application Form Part B

Subterranean Elephants

The beasts below

More...
Jehovahs Cleaners
Animals
Sandals
more
The Hedgehog King Board Meeting Goldilocks and the Free Bears Death Doom and Disaster Tall Story in a Short Glass Venus by Catapult Barry Buys a Broom
The History of Rock
Teaching Carrots to FlyTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs
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All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2020, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.


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