Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
Mrs Womble writes...
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier trouser experience.
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2026, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. || Picture Credits: P.Farnsworth/morguefile.com/craiyon.com. || Privacy Notice: this site does not collect, store or otherwise process your personal data. Sorry, but I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
