20 October 2017

The Queen's Stair Lift

Queen's Stair Lift

Details have emerged of the Royal State Stair Lift, recently installed at Buckingham Palace. The ornate carvings are fashioned from timber segments taken from Nelson's flagship and inlaid with diamonds, opals and rubies sourced from across the commonwealth. All the fixtures have been fashioned in gold by some of the country's finest craftsmen and it has been upholstered in velvet and ermine throughout.

Although no official figures exist, conservative estimates suggest that the stair lift cost in the region of £350,000 and is capable of whisking Her Majesty up to bed at a top speed of 48 miles per hour.

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15 October 2017

Rinse Easy

 

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04 September 2017

Fraudulent Bananas

Fraudulent banana

Fans of the banana, who are legion, are being warned to be wary of short measures. Reports have recently surfaced of bananas which, when opened, don't go all the way from end to end. In some cases they have been found to be empty entirely.

"Banana fraud isn't something new," said Polly Camber, Trading Standards' head of fruit. "Initially it was quite easy to determine whether a banana skin was filled to capacity. One simply had to squeeze the skin to detect if it was only partially filled. But this was before the banana bandits started getting clever."

Camber is referring to the relatively new practice of stuffing banana skins with rags, old newspapers and other items to make them appear as if they are fully loaded. "They can be quite ingenious," she told us. "I've seen bananas with just half an inch of fruit at either end and a spring in the middle, keeping them apart and providing tension. They are getting more and more inventive and, to be honest, it's got to the point where we all get really excited when we open up a new one, because we're never certain what we're going to find. My colleague found a little plastic aeroplane in one the other day. He was well chuffed."

It might sound quite harmless, if somewhat irritating, but recent events have changed all that. Rogue banana merchants have started using compressed air in their 'nanas, and this is causing considerable concern.

"No one likes a floppy banana," Mrs Camber said. "So in order to make them sufficiently rigid they are inflated to pressures way beyond their natural tolerance. It only takes one faulty seam to give way and whump! Bananageddon! We've been lucky so far; no one's been hurt. But only the other day we heard about a banana going off in a fruit bowl in Devizes that took out two pomegranates and a plum, so it's really only a matter of time."

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02 September 2017

Orchestra Exchange

The Hallé Orchestra is the latest big name to sign up for the international musician exchange programme, which sees bands, quartets, ensembles and orchestras swapping members in the spirit of musical fellowship. The scheme was designed to boost best practice, spread ideas and promote universal harmony, and has already produced some interesting results.

For instance, nobody was quite prepared for the sight of an elderly glockenspiel player on stage with a Swedish thrash metal group. And onlookers at a recent display of traditional English Morris dancing were delighted that the event was enlivened by the addition of a Theremin wrangler.

Of course, some people have done better out of the scheme than others, as evidenced by the Lancashire brass band who paired up with the BBC Concert Orchestra and managed to trade their third cornet for a tuba , two trombones and a kettle drum. Audiences have reportedly remarked that they go nicely with the string section that they got from the National Philharmonic last year.

Exchange Rates

(Figures correct as of September 2017)

10 Triangles = 1 Accordion
10 Accordions = 1 Trumpet
10 Trumpets = 1 Baby grand piano
10 Baby grand pianos = 1 Wurlitzer
10 Wurlitzers = Whitesnake
 

Instruments
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01 September 2017

Mr Forage and His Newts

In a landmark legal ruling today, Adam Forage, a waiter from Newcastle, was found to have been unfairly dismissed for refusing to shave off his beard.

"I think that this is an absurd miscarriage of justice," said restaurant owner Ally Faggot. "Mr Forage's beard was long, unkempt and dirty, and customers constantly complained that it was dangling in their soup or uncomfortably brushing their necks as he leaned over to collect their crockery. Frankly, it was a health and safety shitstorm - not only was it unbelievably filthy, but other staff were forever tripping over the damn thing as it trailed across the floor. We shall certainly be appealing this ridiculous decision."

What makes this case so unusual was that the tribunal found in favour of Mr Forage not because the demand to remove his beard was discriminatory or a breach of his human rights, but rather because there was, and still is, a small colony of rare newts living in it.

"My client decided some little time ago, most magnanimously I feel, to provide a haven for these poor, defenceless creatures," announced Mr Forage's lawyer, Vincent Squeeze. "I hope you will excuse my rather emotional state, but the fact is that I have rarely, if ever, witnessed such a selfless and noble act. In giving a home to these distressed and bewildered newts - orphans, I might add - my client has not merely brought joy and security to these simple creatures, but he has at the same time shown us all what it is to be compassionate, to be honourable and decent. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Forage has shown us what it is to be human. And yet, rather than lauding this extraordinarily altruistic deed, my client's employers have instead set out to persecute and vilify him. Shame! Shame! Shame, I say! It has been a distressing and uncertain time for all of us who have taken an interest in Mr Forage and his newts, and for everyone who cares about protecting the fauna of our nation. But I am pleased to report... nay, relieved to report that the tribunal has seen sense and agreed that the habitat of these endangered animals must be protected. Amen."

In fact the tribunal agreed on no such thing. They found no reason to suppose that Mr Forage's beard was a site of special scientific interest, but granted it a stay of execution on the technical ground that it couldn't be destroyed without first serving the newts two months' notice to quit.

This newt will not be moved
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Blog Index

Archive 1

February 2001
- July 2003

An Evening with Barry Smith

"Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver..."

Operation Mutton

"Eugene Rumbold and his camouflaged sheep..."


Cooker Island

"Rogue cookers..."

The Battersea Wigs Home

"No sort of life for a healthy young wig..."

more...

 

 

Diagnosis

"Welcome to today's edition of Diagnosis..."


Agricultural Raves

"Police crackdown on trippy cows..."

Alps

"Mountain range needs repointing..."

Emergency Kebabs

"New enterprise wins award..."

more...

Special Powers

Under new proposals, police officers will be equipped with X-ray vision.

Archeologists Dig Up Roman Hole

Discovery follows six month dig.

Occuloid Laserprobe

The latest in laser eye surgery

Buglers

Man bugled due to typing error.

Piffin: A Mediterrean Paradise

Roly Coconut pays a visit

Man Picks Fight with Pacific Ocean

Mr Omelette charged with assaulting Pacific Ocean.

  Office Furniture

Qualifications now available

Fishys

Poor little fishys

Dark Batter

Wendy Miller's new theory

Today on the Dog Exchange

Labradors are performing well

More...
Animals
Jehovahs Cleaners
Arty Tomatoes
more
Kicking and Screaming

Prologue: Peanuts

You Don't Have to be Mad to Work Here...

Machiavelli Management Solutions

The Bleeding Obvious

Exploding Dogs

Baby's First Swear

Scrufty's Magic Juju Shop

Pigmongering

Empire of the Flowers

Scumm

Mrs Wilberforce and the River

Epilogue: Persons Unknown

Board Meeting Goldilocks and the Free Bears Death Doom and Disaster Tall Story in a Short Glass Venus by Catapult Barry Buys a Broom
The History of Rock
Standard British NunsTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs
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