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06 July 2015

Flexi Mortem

Now you can take it with you

 

The new Flexi Mortem account from Scumm Financial gives you complete control over your money whenever and wherever you need it, in this world or the next. That's because we are the only bank that can guarantee access to your funds in the afterlife.

Flexi Mortem

There's no fuss, no hidden fees. You can withdraw your money from any one of our seven hundred dedicated ATMs throughout heaven, purgatory and parts of limbo.

And if you can't get to our main branch - conveniently situated in the Seventh Circle of Hell, just next to Nando's - you can call our team of award-winning customer service mediums. They will be happy to respond to your query in a suitably vague and unconvincing manner.

The Flexi Mortem account is the ideal package for anyone who's planning on dying at some point in the future. Scumm Credit CardIt's flexible, it's convenient and if you apply today we'll send you a free shroud.

Scumm Financial

We won't let death get in the way of making a few quid

 

 

Offer subject to the survival of individual consciousness after death. Local exchange rates apply. In the event of reincarnation, customers are required to notify us in writing 14 days in advance of a change of identity. In the unlikely circumstances that the customer is unhappy with the product or with any aspect of our service, they should in the first instance pray to our complaints department, who will send a sign within 30 days and 30 nights. Should the customer still be unsatisfied they may escalate the dispute to the Financial Ombudsmen or a religious adviser of their own choosing. Scumm Financial is a trading style of Beelzebub Holdings and is authorised and regulated by the Financial Services Authority, the Port Authority of New South Wales, NASA and Mrs Edna Womble of 42 The Mews, Hartlepool. Interested in selling your soul? Call in to your local branch and ask about our great trade-in deals.

 


01 July 2015
Stuff and Nonsense - July 2015

July's Stuff and Nonsense is out, featuring the best comedy, satire, cartoonery and comment from 49 different sites.

Stuff and Nonsense - July 2015


26 June 2015

Disposable wands

A new startup company is hoping to corner the burgeoning amateur wizard market with a new range of disposable wands. This is not the first time that disposable wands have been made available but previously the range of spells they were capable of casting was really quite limited.

President of the Mystic Circle, The Great Magnifico the All Powerful (aka Colin Smith), was sceptical about the new project. "They've been tried before," he said. "There was a company back in the eighties who launched something similar but they were a poor substitute for a proper professional wand. They might be okay for kids trying out some dodgy card trick, but that's about the limit. You wouldn't be able to use one to turn yourself invisible, levitate a bus or saw a lady in half."

Nevertheless, the company is confident that there will be demand for a single-use, all-purpose wand that can be discarded once the spell has been cast. It aims to offer them in packs of five, although plans to have them in stores by the end of the year now look uncertain. Concerns about health and safety have been raised following a number of accidents during development, including one incident in which a test conjuror accidentally snapped one of the wands mid-spell and managed to turned himself into an alpaca.

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24 June 2015

Extreme Dinosaurs

Coming soon to a TV station near you

Extreme Dinosaurs

Extreme Dinosaurs on YouTube

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23 June 2015

Metric Phone Numbers

phone

An international agreement between major communications providers has agreed a timescale for the introduction of metric phone numbers. Although these have been used in a small number of proprietary internal switchboards, only imperial numbers are currently issued to users by telecommunication companies. To date there have been no major problems with this system, but as equipment is upgraded and fibre optics replace traditional cabling, there is a greater likelihood of incompatibility.

There is also another pressing reason for the change. The current range of imperial phone numbers is limited and as the telecommunications market grows it will soon outstrip demand. Metric numbers have a far greater range as they are able to accommodate a decimal point, and there is even a possibility that negative phone numbers could be used.

However, the changes will inevitably be met with resistance and some members of the public have already made their feelings known. "I don't hold with it," said one angry British Telecom customer when we phoned and pestered him. "All my life I've been ringing up numbers in feet and inches. Now all of a sudden I've got to start using kilograms and litres and goodness knows what. Well, I think it's disgusting and I'm not going to do it. This is worse than when the weather went decimal."

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The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2015

The Annual 2015

100 pages. Get it for FREE

To download Click Here (76.4 MB)

Or read it online here.

 

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The History of Rock

Sitting Down

A boon to the chair industry

Barney's Magic Wonder Show

A review

Fish Olympics

The XII Fish Olympiad

Lobster Facts

With Derek the Fact Crab

Transatlantic Gardening

Across the Atlantic by land

There & Back Again by Elastic

"Going round the world by elastic..."

Teaching Carrots to Fly Links

Archive 1

February 2001
- July 2003

Oswald

"She was suddenly attacked by a small yellow creature..."

Death by Pastry

"A Huge pie hanging in space..."


Rob Hammond's Guide to Buddhism

"Using nothing more than a raised elbow..."

Skydiving

"We provide flippers, facemasks, breathing apparatus..."

more...

 

Sandals
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News

Dim

Congratulations to Christian Pyle who has invented the worlds first –40 watt light bulb. When switched on, the light bulb will make any room darker, thus introducing a refreshing atmosphere of gloom and despondency to the most glaringly over-illuminated of environments. And initial consumer tests have proved encouraging - with the new bulb scoring favourably over previous methods of artificial darkening, which mostly involved poking people's eyes out with pointy sticks.

Diagnosis

"Welcome to today's edition of Diagnosis..."


The Wackiest Person in the UK

"...madcap antics ..."

Optimum Leaning Angles

"It's always best to rest against something solid, such as a small horse..."

The Reluctant Pianist

"One of the most controversial musicians of recent years..."

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Board Meeting Goldilocks and the Free Bears Death Doom and Disaster Tall Story in a Short Glass Venus by Catapult Barry Buys a Broom
  Fishys

Poor little fishys

Uncle Bertie's Pies

Traditional pastry

New Improved Bullshit

I wouldn't settle for anything less

Dirty Electric

Dodgy volts

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Out Now

Recalled to Life Recalled to Life: The University of the Bleeding Obvious Volume 3

Stuffed with new material and old favourites, Recalled to Life is 280 pages of plumptiousness and very probably exactly what you need to prop up that wonky old table in the kitchen.

Find out more here.

 


 

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Kicking and Screaming

Prologue: Peanuts

You Don't Have to be Mad to Work Here...

Machiavelli Management Solutions

The Bleeding Obvious

Exploding Dogs

Baby's First Swear

Scrufty's Magic Juju Shop

Pigmongering

Empire of the Flowers

Scumm

Mrs Wilberforce and the River

Epilogue: Persons Unknown




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All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2015, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.


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