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06 October 2019

The Brixham Trouser Museum

Brixham Trouser Museum

Brixham's Third Fourth
Most Popular Tourist Attraction*

No Shorts

Do you like trousers? We like trousers. That's why we started the Brixham Trouser Museum, Europe's ONLY dedicated trouser museum (if you don't count the one in Rotterdam).

We've got trousers of all shapes, sizes, colours and flavours - jeans, jodhpurs, bellbottoms, culottes, dungarees, pantaloons and pants.

Come and see our mesmerising animatronic display Trousers Through the Ages. You'll gasp at this high tech, fully mobile exhibit, in which the trousers actually MOVE, just like the real thing!

Or why not slip into a pair of SPACE TROUSERS as part of our interactive Trousers of the Future experience? You can even design your own unique pair of HOLOGRAPHIC TROUSERS, complete with actual working quantum pockets and a nuclear fly.

Impressed? Wait, there's more. Our Trousers of the Stars exhibit allows you to get up close and personal with actual trousers that were worn by historical figures, sporting heroes the stars of stage and screen.

Feel the rock and roll trousers of BRIAN MAY, as worn at Live Aid. Gasp at the impressive fighting trousers of FIELD MARSHAL MONTGOMERY, trousers that served in the North Africa campaign and were an inspiration to the folks back home. You can even inspect the royal trousers of EDWARD VIII - the very ones he abdicated in, although we have been assured that they have since been washed.

So, if you've seen Brixham harbour, you've spent some time on the beach and you've already been to the proper museum, and if you've got half an hour to kill before your bus leaves, then come along to...

The Brixham Trouser Museum

It's pants. No, really.

Pre-book your visit now and you'll also get free entry to Paignton World of Knickers.

*When it's raining


02 October 2019
Judge Buggers Off

Judge Told to Bugger Off

There were scenes of confusion at Rutland Crown Court yesterday when angry defendant Carl Spanners told the judge to 'bugger off', and he did. This is thought to be the first time that a sitting judge has acted upon the instruction of a defendant, and there are concerns that this may set a legal precedent.

As a serving police officer, Constable Gavin Trotter has attended many criminal hearings, either as a witness, as a police escort or, occasionally, as a defendant. He was present in court on this occasion and was stunned by what took place.

"I was proper gobsmacked," he told us. "It ain't unusual for a felon to get a bit lippy, but it's nothing that a belt around the back of the 'ead wiv a truncheon won't fix. And if fings get really rowdy the judge can always clear the court, and that gives us an opportunity to go to town on the scumbag good and proper, like. One time, I even seen a judge hitch up his robes and get stuck in himself. But this... Well, it makes you wonder what the world is coming to, don't it?"

According to reports, the incident happened after Mr Spanners became quite excitable in response to the prosecution's line of questioning. The judge, Mr Ernest Barrow QC, interceded to request that the defendant refrain from raising his voice, at which point Mr Spanners told him, "Bugger off and bother someone else, you ponced-up ermine-clad transvestite." Mr Barrow then got to his feet, said calmly, "Very well," then left. He has not been seen since.

"It seems that Mr Barrow has not merely buggered off - he has, to use the correct statutory phrase, buggered right off," said legal historian and commentator Giles Tremble. "In fact, to my knowledge, there has never been a case in which the judge has buggered off to this extent before. The closest comparable episode was in 1856 when a magistrate temporarily went missing during a boundary dispute, but was discovered three hours later hiding behind a curtain in a snooker hall.

"However," Mr Tremble continued, "perhaps we shouldn't be surprised by these latest events. Ernest Barrow is a stickler for process and notoriously thorough, so if he feels that it is his constitutional duty to bugger off, then he's going to bloody well bugger off properly."

All this means that the case of Her Majesty versus Carl Spanners will have to be abandoned and a retrial will be ordered. It is not known whether the defendant will use the 'bugger off' defence again, but experts believe that since it has already proven so effective, there's really no reason why he wouldn't.


27 September 2019

Legless

After being caught in a storm on Dartmoor yesterday, keen rambler Daisy Boot astounded rescue services by somehow managing to drag herself to safety with a broken leg.

"It wasn't my leg, " Daisy said, keen to correct any misunderstanding. "I found it. I'm quite anxious to reunite it with its owner, so if anyone recognises the sock, please do get in touch."

Bob Flapjack, senior ranger at Dartmoor National Park, explained that careless hikers are always leaving their body parts on the moors and so he encourages people to take a bin bag with them when they go out walking. "Technically, it's littering," he said, "and it could result in a hefty fine. Over the last few months we've had four elbows, a pair of knees and three buttocks handed in. It's the buttocks that are the real puzzle. I mean, three? What's going on there, then?"

Tree

"I once found an armpit by that tree. Messy buggers. Why can't people take their armpits home with them?"


28 August 2019

Moggy Gone

LOST CAT?

evil bastard cat

WHY NOT?

When it's not scratching the hell out of your furniture or littering your house with the dismembered remnants of the local wildlife, it's shitting in your flowerbeds, so isn't it time you gave serious thought to getting rid of the bleeding thing?

Losing a cat isn't easy; they have an unfortunate habit of finding their way home. This is why you need professionals on the job. This is why you need Moggy Gone.

Here at Moggy Gone we have a dedicated team of transport professionals who can deposit your troublesome tabby in some of the most remote locations on the planet. There is no way that puss will find his way back from the Arctic unaided and a return ticket from the Amazon basin is far beyond the means of even the most fiscally flawless of felines.

If you need further reassurance why not opt for our 'Supervillain' package, where for a modest additional fee we will drop your problem pet into an active volcano or fire it into space. Your cat will enjoy the ride of its life and we guarantee that you'll never have to clean up after the filthy animal ever again.

Moggy Gone

There's no coming back. Honestly.

 


31 July 2019

Glen Twerk is not at Work

Rumpole, Hutz and Petrocelli
22 Affidavit Street
London

Dear Sirs or Madams

I write, inter alia, in connection with the recent dismissal from your company of Mr Glen Twerk, carpe diem. As Mr Twerk's actual proper lawyer - and not just his mate from the darts team who's offered to knock up a vaguely legal-sounding letter for him - I have advised my client that the termination of his contract constitutes, herewith and forthwith, unfair dismissal, in addition to being wrongful dismissal and possibly habeas corpus and a bit of the old droit du seigneur, as well.

I am given to understand, dictum factum, that you assert there has never been any agreement in place that my client should be permitted to work from home. Well, if you will excuse the legal parlance, that is bang out of order, mate. Having reviewed Mr Twerk's contract, in between matches down at the Royal Oak last Saturday evening, I have found, quo vadis, no clause that specifically forbids home working. I am sure, per ardua ad astra, that the repercussions of this omission will be quite plain to you. For the avoidance of doubt I would refer you to the case of Atomic Cleaners Ltd vs Maximillian the Wonder Dog, which clearly establishes a precedent, quod erat demonstrandum and, indeed, in flagrante delicto.

In vino veritas and, ergo, post meridian. Or, in other words, we've got you by the cobblers there, son.

Howsoever and wherefore art thou, notwithstanding the contractual ramifications, my client and I have considered your argument that since Mr Twerk was employed in the capacity of forklift truck operator in your warehouse, working from home was not, and never would be, a viable and practical way of fulfilling his contractual obligations. We are sympathetic, of course, but feel that this is still a rather thin justification for the removal of my client's basic rights.

Our response to this is in two parts. Firstly, and penultimately, we feel that your attitude shows a remarkable deficiency of understanding of modern work practices, vis-à-vis and pro bono, technologies and methodologies that mean that working from home is both economically and environmentally advantageous to all parties.

Secondly, and finally, myself and Mr Twerk have carried out a number of practical assessments, and as a result of these tests we have proved the Mr Twerk is perfectly able to operate his forklift in his front room, with only slight damage to the furniture and minimal complaints from the neighbours.

In conclusion, sine qua non, ex post facto, caveat emptor and spaghetti carbonara, my client and I have significant reason to believe that we've got you done up like a bleeding kipper. What you got to say about that then, mush?

Yours Faithfully

Perry Rumpole, Bsc, Tcp, WD40
Solicitor at Law

Forklift

Exhibit A

 


Blog Index

Archive 1

February 2001
- July 2003

The World Bullshit Record

"Team bonding, goal setting, table top brainstorming..."

Tripping the Dark Fantastic

"I mean, you can't sell 'darkbulbs' can you?"


Random Kevin

"...abuse and ridicule in the comfort of your own home..."

Donald Fact's Fact Spanner

"No. 128: Chinese Shelves..."

more...

 

 

Drum and Bass

"Experimental discos have concluded that drum and bass music is rubbish..."


Flyover

"Woman demolished to make way for flyover..."

Getaway Driver

"Getaway Driver Seeks Robbery..."

Sticky Tape

"RAF Discontinues Use of Sticky Tape..."

more...

Yeti Makeover

Courtesy of the ladies of Melton Mowbray

Pernicious Phlegm

Legendary band to reform.

Perfect Circle

Dr Ballcock has invented the perfect circle.

The Discovery of Vitamin G

Mary Walters and her pet snake Simon make a discovery

The Bubble Bloke

"He coughs up something unpleasant..."

Piffin: A Mediterrean Paradise

Roly Coconut pays a visit

  The Licepummeller

Knock 'em for six

World of Holes

Holes for every occasion

Dr Doggy

Not your usual family doctor

Buy Our Shampoo

Buy it now!

More...
Animals
Sandals
Jehovahs Cleaners
more
Kicking and Screaming

Prologue: Peanuts

You Don't Have to be Mad to Work Here...

Machiavelli Management Solutions

The Bleeding Obvious

Exploding Dogs

Baby's First Swear

Scrufty's Magic Juju Shop

Pigmongering

Empire of the Flowers

Scumm

Mrs Wilberforce and the River

Epilogue: Persons Unknown

Golfing bird
The Hedgehog King Board Meeting Goldilocks and the Free Bears Death Doom and Disaster Tall Story in a Short Glass Venus by Catapult Barry Buys a Broom
The History of Rock
Teaching Carrots to FlyTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs
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All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2019, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.


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