Since taking the advice of a feng shui expert, Fergus Pong has noted a quite surprising rise in productivity at his Staffordshire farm. "This chap turns up one afternoon," Mr Pong told us. "Shifty looking feller, he were. Anyway, he says as how I can significantly increase my milk yield by lining up all my cows in an East-West direction."
Naturally, Mr Pong did what anybody would do when presented with such information. "Oh aye, naturally," he affirms. "I set the dog on him. You should have seen the daft bugger zig-zagging across the farmyard afore vaulting over a fence and landing in a pile of shit. Anyhow, once he'd piddled off, I thought I'd give it a go - you know, lining up the cows and that. Well, there was nothing on the telly and there was bugger all else to do."
To his surprise, Mr Pong found that milk production seemed to go up. Encouraged by this, he proceeded to apply the principals of feng shui to other areas of his business. He aligned his haystacks so as to channel natural streams of positive energy, identified the birth elements of all his chickens and put his pigs in a pyramid. And did it work?
"Nope," says Mr Pong. "But like I say, there was nothing on the telly and bugger all else to do."
At the North Yorkshire Centre for Alternative Pet Therapies, our specialist reptile osteopaths can untangle all manner of serpents, no matter how knotted up they might be. They can also manipulate your lizard, stretch your iguana or coax your tortoise out of its shell.
But it's not just your cold-blooded pets that we cater for. Our qualified professionals employ a wide range of alternative and complimentary therapies.
Do your sheep seem stressed and agitated? A Hopi ear candles session will remove harmless toxins, leaving them calm, clear-headed and only occasionally singed.
Are your chickens causing you concern? Madame Zaza will set your mind at rest by casting a full astrological chart and telling you what happens to eggs laid under the sign of the crab.
We also offer crystal healing for hedgehogs, aromatherapy for goldfish and our award-winning hypnotherapists can even regress sausages back to what they were pigs.
Reality TV star Angelina Haddock has hit upon an ingenious money-making scheme. The 19-year-old balloon-faced star of last year's top reality show The Only Way is Newport Pagnell, has spent the last few months desperately trying to extend her fragile fifteen minutes of 'fame' with a series of personal appearances in nightclubs and occasional guest spots as 'the thick one' on comedy panel shows. In a further attempt to wring hard cash from her celebrity status before it finally coughs, splutters and dies, she has been charging ten quid a pop for 'selfies'.
For those who don't know or, more probably, don't care, a 'selfie' is a photograph taken of oneself via a mobile handheld telephonic communication device. Presumably, the people who pursue this hobby need to be constantly reminded what they look like.
Haddock has been very industrious on the selfie front over the past year. Of course, the nature of the selfie being what it is, she has had to pay herself for all these photos. So far she hasn't managed to grasp why her bank balance in not increasing and no one has had the time or patience to explain it to her.
The Home Secretary has announced new measures to extend existing Stop and Search powers in response to the increasing radicalisation of members of the police. Police currently have the power to stop anyone they suspect of carrying stolen goods, offensive weapons or being 'a bit funny'. The new legislation now extends this power so that members of the public can stop and search police officers if they suspect them of abusing their authority, acting 'like a tool' or being drunk in charge of a truncheon.
Indiana Jones's trowel has been sold at auction for the staggering sum of £15,000. The trowel, which was among a number of the late archaeologist's effects in the auction, exceeded all estimates and is believed to be destined for a private collection. The sale also contained a number of other pieces of historical memorabilia, including Doctor Who's stethoscope, Wolverine's nail clippers and Harry Potter's wheel.
See the full list
Across the Atlantic by land
Stealing horses to order
The National Sandwich Hotline
Spring clean your chakras
The sound of fury
Adventures in marketing
"A Huge pie hanging in space..."
"Wrap your brains around these fiendish puzzles..."
Middlesex signwriter Mr Steven Leg has become the first person to be prosecuted under the new 'Offences Against the English Language Act'. At the hearing at Birmingham Crown Court the jury heard from a number of Mr Leg's former customers, who complained that the signs he produced for them were badly spelt, grammatically confusing and incorrectly punctuated. In his defence, Mr Leg replied, "i dont no What their talking about!! ive been writing sign's 4 Twenty year's? and - Iv'e never had a singal complaint."
"...madcap antics ..."
"A gentleman never fouls himself upwind of a waitress..."
"...landing a man on the moon, shaving it, and returning him safely to Earth......"
"The caverns were closed to the public for their annual hosing down..."more...
Stuffed with new material and old favourites, Recalled to Life is 280 pages of plumptiousness and very probably exactly what you need to prop up that wonky old table in the kitchen.
Find out more here.
of the Bleeding Obvious
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2014, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.