Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier trouser experience.
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
Mrs Womble writes...
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2026, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. || Picture Credits: P.Farnsworth/morguefile.com/craiyon.com. || Privacy Notice: this site does not collect, store or otherwise process your personal data. Sorry, but I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
