Meat movie classics
The UK's most notorious villains
Could you spare just three doubloons a day?
Patent stink technology
Sarnies of the rich and famous
Grow your best friends from seed
July's Stuff and Nonsense is out, featuring the best comedy, satire, cartoonery and comment from 49 different sites.
A new startup company is hoping to corner the burgeoning amateur wizard market with a new range of disposable wands. This is not the first time that disposable wands have been made available but previously the range of spells they were capable of casting was really quite limited.
President of the Mystic Circle, The Great Magnifico the All Powerful (aka Colin Smith), was sceptical about the new project. "They've been tried before," he said. "There was a company back in the eighties who launched something similar but they were a poor substitute for a proper professional wand. They might be okay for kids trying out some dodgy card trick, but that's about the limit. You wouldn't be able to use one to turn yourself invisible, levitate a bus or saw a lady in half."
Nevertheless, the company is confident that there will be demand for a single-use, all-purpose wand that can be discarded once the spell has been cast. It aims to offer them in packs of five, although plans to have them in stores by the end of the year now look uncertain. Concerns about health and safety have been raised following a number of accidents during development, including one incident in which a test conjuror accidentally snapped one of the wands mid-spell and managed to turned himself into an alpaca.
Coming soon to a TV station near you
An international agreement between major communications providers has agreed a timescale for the introduction of metric phone numbers. Although these have been used in a small number of proprietary internal switchboards, only imperial numbers are currently issued to users by telecommunication companies. To date there have been no major problems with this system, but as equipment is upgraded and fibre optics replace traditional cabling, there is a greater likelihood of incompatibility.
There is also another pressing reason for the change. The current range of imperial phone numbers is limited and as the telecommunications market grows it will soon outstrip demand. Metric numbers have a far greater range as they are able to accommodate a decimal point, and there is even a possibility that negative phone numbers could be used.
However, the changes will inevitably be met with resistance and some members of the public have already made their feelings known. "I don't hold with it," said one angry British Telecom customer when we phoned and pestered him. "All my life I've been ringing up numbers in feet and inches. Now all of a sudden I've got to start using kilograms and litres and goodness knows what. Well, I think it's disgusting and I'm not going to do it. This is worse than when the weather went decimal."
See the full list
A boon to the chair industry
The XII Fish Olympiad
With Derek the Fact Crab
Across the Atlantic by land
"Going round the world by elastic..."
"She was suddenly attacked by a small yellow creature..."
"A Huge pie hanging in space..."
Congratulations to Christian Pyle who has invented the worlds first –40 watt light bulb. When switched on, the light bulb will make any room darker, thus introducing a refreshing atmosphere of gloom and despondency to the most glaringly over-illuminated of environments. And initial consumer tests have proved encouraging - with the new bulb scoring favourably over previous methods of artificial darkening, which mostly involved poking people's eyes out with pointy sticks.
"Welcome to today's edition of Diagnosis..."
"...madcap antics ..."
"It's always best to rest against something solid, such as a small horse..."
"One of the most controversial musicians of recent years..."more...
Poor little fishysUncle Bertie's Pies
Traditional pastryNew Improved Bullshit
I wouldn't settle for anything lessDirty Electric
Stuffed with new material and old favourites, Recalled to Life is 280 pages of plumptiousness and very probably exactly what you need to prop up that wonky old table in the kitchen.
Find out more here.
of the Bleeding Obvious
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2015, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.