Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
Mrs Womble writes...
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier ttouser experience.
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
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