Sir Christian Pyle shows us his nuts
One of the biggest threats to law and order since badminton
Turn that frown upside down
For men of character
Fun for nearly all the family!
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One of the greatest mysteries of the Anglican faith has finally been revealed. The question of how vicars communicate with each other over distance has puzzled ecclesiastical scholars for centuries. For a while it was thought to be a variation of nun semaphore but now the Church of England has finally answered the question by explaining that it is essentially a form of shortwave prayer.
Whether you believe that prayer gives us a hotline to The Almighty is very much a matter of faith, but it's a fact that vicars have been using it to converse with one another since the reformation. They claim that it's more reliable than modern phone networks, more convenient and the data roaming charges are much more reasonable.
The exact mechanics of the technique have yet to be fully explained but it's understood that before he or she is ordained a trainee vicar will undergo an intensive course of instruction in vicar-to-vicar prayer. By the time they assume their parish duties, each is able to communicate almost instantaneously with vicars anywhere in the world. Some archdeacons can also send images and most bishops support video conferencing.
So far inter-denominational prayer has not been possible, meaning that if a Church of England Vicar wanted to communicate with a Roman Catholic priest, he'd probably have to resort to email. But the introduction of new digital vicars and the gradual phasing out of old analogue models means that this could soon change. There are also plans to turn the Archbishop of Canterbury into a Hub so that anyone within his immediate vicinity will also be able to use the network, as long as they know the security prayer.
...Well what a marvellous spectacle we've witnessed here today at Cheltenham, Lillywhite Lenny, a rank outsider, romped home in the final steeplechase of this April Meeting. A magnificent performance from this horse, the first time this feisty two-year-old has raced at this level. His trainer, I'm sure, will be very pleased. A first, too, for jockey Brendan O'Connell, who is just coming into the press enclosure now, so we should be able to catch a few words. Brendan! Brendan, over here! A few words please. A magnificent performance, you must be very proud.
Oh, well, you know. It was a good race.
Tell us what you were thinking when you were coming down that final straight and the winning post came in sight?
Ah, well, mainly I was thinking about not falling off the horse.
Racing at this level must take a great deal of concentration.
Ah, sure enough. They get awful jiggy, some of these horses. Very easy to just slip off.
Of course. So how do you prepare for a race like this?
Well, there's not really a great deal of preparation needed. It's the horse that does all the work, I just have to stay on it.
You lost some ground in the early stages of the race. What went through your head when you slipped back two places at the second corner?
I was thinking about staying on the horse. I was hanging on really tight, so I was.
Were you considering a change of tactics when that happened?
No, I was just trying to stay on the horse, you know. Just holding on tight and trying not to fall off the fecker.
What was your main concern at that point?
Trying to stay on the feckin' horse.
It must have taken all your concentration to hold back for that final sprint.
It took all my concentration to stay on the feckin' horse. It's a bastard, so it is. But it can run faster than I can, so it's important that I try to stay on it.
What were you thinking during that magnificent final charge?
I was thinking about staying on the bloody thing.
So, all in all, you must be very pleased with Lillywhite Lenny's performance here today?
Ah, if I had my way it would be on its way to the glue factory, the fecker.
Brendan, thanks for taking time out to speak to us. I'm sure you're eager to be off and join the celebrations. Any last words of wisdom for the budding jockeys out there who want to follow in your footsteps?
And they are... ?
Try to stay on the feckin' horse. I can't stress that strongly enough. I'm surprised you had to ask.
Brendan O'Connell, thank you for your time.
We're here today with Sir John Wyndrell, of Wyndrell Holdings.
Nope, sorry, never heard of them.
I beg your pardon?
This Winsome Holdings, or whatever.
Yes, them. Can't say I've ever come across them.
You are the company's managing director.
I don't know who gave you that idea.
Well, when we phoned your office...
No, don't have an office.
... your secretary told us that...
Don't have a secretary. Good job too. Don't have an office, you see, so there would be nowhere for her to work.
Sir John, when we phoned your office your secretary told us that you were the very person we needed to talk to in connection with Wyndrell Holdings.
Can't see how she could have. Apart from anything else, I don't have a phone. No, I'm afraid there must have been some terrible mix up. I'm nothing to do with this Winkle Holdings of which you speak.
But you're listed as a director by Companies House.
Must be some other feller.
You are regularly quoted in newspapers and periodicals as a spokesman for the firm.
I think you must have an overactive imagination.
It was printed on the business card you gave us when you came in.
Well, yes... what? Oh, Wyndrell Holdings! Sorry, I must have misheard. I have an ear infection. Yes, now you come to mention it, I think I do have some slight connection with the firm.
Perhaps, then, you could comment on certain details concerning tax affairs that have recently come to light?
Well, I'm not sure I have those details at my fingertips. Vis-à-vis the company structure, I usually find myself more on the catering side of things.
I'm sure you can fill us in on the basics. We understand that Wyndrell Holdings is not registered in the UK?
Yes it is.
No it isn't.
Well all right, but so what?
In recent days speculation has focussed on your use of a tax haven to avoid paying tax.
Ah, I think you mean evade paying tax.
Evade? Avoid? Which one is it that is legal? Either way, there is nothing illegal about what we're doing. Not that I know what we're doing, of course. We're probably not doing anything.
Don't you think it's rather unethical.
Look I think you're being terribly parochial about all this. We operate in a global market. We have to be based somewhere - who cares if it's Panama or the British Virgin Islands or Timbuctoo for that matter?
Or the Moon?
Yes, well... what's that?
Your company's registered office is on the Moon.
Well exactly... err...
Commuting must be a bit of a problem. Is it actually possible to register a company on the Moon?
I imagine it must be if, as you say, my company is registered there.
So how does it work, then? After all, there is no one there to register it with.
Yes there is. There's a little feller who works out of an office in the Sea of Tranquillity.
No there isn't.
Yes there is.
No there isn't. There hasn't been anyone on the Moon since 1972.
He's been on his lunch break.
All right, we can see that we're not going to get any sense from you.
Yes you are.
Obviously you were determined from the outset that you were just going to be silly.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I think we'll bring this interview to a close, Sir John.
Sir who? I don't think I've met him, but if I should bump into him I'll let you know you're looking for him. Bye.
Wannabe traffic wardens are being invited to get their applications in early if they want to be considered for this year's North Yorkshire's Got Talented Traffic Wardens competition. Following the success of the recent Bake Off contest to find a new dinner lady, North Yorkshire County Council has once more adopted a talent show format for its latest recruitment drive to fill three part time traffic warden posts in the region.
"We think that this is by far the most rigorous way of finding suitable people for the job," said human resources director, Julian Cyborg. "I often think that traditional interviewing and selection methods don't really give applicants a chance to shine. This way we can really see what our candidates are made of."
The contest will begin with a blind audition presided over by a panel of local celebrities, giving potential traffic wardens a chance to demonstrate their basic observation skills. Shortlisted applicants will then go through to the elimination round where they will be coached by some of the country's top traffic wardens before presenting a display of formation parking meter reading. A public vote will decide who gets through to the final, in which three successful candidates will be chosen to write parking tickets for the Queen at this year's Royal Variety Show.
"We're looking for originality, flair and the dedication that sets them apart from the rest of the pack," Mr Cyborg told us. "And if they happen to have a tragic backstory, then obviously that's a bonus."
See the full list
We're very very sorry
The sound of fury
A boon to the chair industry
The National Sandwich Hotline
Courtesy of the ladies of Melton Mowbray
"The sad loss of Fats Porker..."
"Torching the National Gallery..."
In a leaked report prepared by the Department of Not Being Able to Keep a Lid on Things, it has emerged that most of the country's fire services are considered to be dangerously underfunded. One of the worst is Lower Hamplewick, where the force comprises just three volunteers armed with water pistols. As they have no appliance, they have no choice but to attend all fires within a two mile radius on foot. For anything outside that radius the procedure is to send a bucket of water by recorded delivery.
This is in stark contrast to the neighbouring, and noticeably more affluent Upper Hamplewick, where the merest hint of smouldering is met with a crew of 24 men, a helicopter and six fire engines full of Perrier.
"...dedicated to St Jemima of the Holy Rock, the patron saint of gravel..."
"You're a miserable old sourpuss..."
"...madcap antics ..."
"The world's fattest man suffered a fatal earthquake in the early hours of the morning..."more...
Buy it now!Arse Kicking
Competition bottom bootingWorld of Holes
Holes for every occasionUncle Bertie's Pies
Stuffed with new material and old favourites, Recalled to Life is 280 pages of plumptiousness and very probably exactly what you need to prop up that wonky old table in the kitchen.
Find out more here.
of the Bleeding Obvious
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2015, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.