From next year all UK citizens will be required to take the new citizenship test.
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Back in 2013, the Home Secretary announced that the 'Life in the United Kingdom' test, administered to all prospective immigrants, would be replaced by the new 'Isn't Britain Great!' test. This shifted the focus away from practical information about life in Britain, and concentrated instead on impressing foreigners with how great it is to live in the United Kingdom, reminding them that the country once had an empire that stretched around the globe, prompting them to brush up on their Shakespeare and then telling them to fuck off back to where they came from.
Following the success of the new test, it has been decided that as of next year it will be extended to all British Citizens. This means that being born in the UK will no longer automatically entitle you to citizenship, and that you will need to pass the 'Isn't Britain Great!' test in order to remain.
How to be a great Briton
But there's no need to worry. The test requires you to answer a series of questions in relation to four distinct areas of British life, and should present no problem if you've got what it takes to be a citizen.
Do you know your Agincourt from your Waterloo? Can you answer questions on real life British heroes like Richard the Lionheart, Sir Edmund Hillary or Biggles? British people are proud of their history and frequently make reference to the majesty of the British Empire, whilst at the same time glossing over the exploitation and barbarism on which it was founded. If you can tell us, with a straight face, what was so glorious about the Glorious Revolution, then you're in.
Great Britain gave the world some of its greatest writers and artists - from H.G. Wells and Thomas Hardy, to Constable and that chap who saws the cows in half. Not my cup of tea, to be honest, but he brings in a lot of moolah. British people watch, on average, six Shakespeare plays a month, read three Charles Dickens or Jane Austen novels, and have memorised at least two Kipling poems by the age of six. The British film industry is recognised internationally for its excellence, and currently churns out over two and a half films a year - some of which eventually break even. The citizenship tests requires you to have a firm grasp of the contribution British culture has made to the world, including being able to name three of the Spice Girls and recite a section of dialogue from Are You Being Served?
Specifically, have you got any? A good British citizen is solvent, pays his taxes on time* and doesn't go around demanding hand-outs. We realise that everyone needs help at some time or another, whether it's the result of poor health, economic downturn or sheer bad luck. But seriously, don't bother us with your troubles. When British people fall on hard times they are expected to crawl away into a corner and not trouble anyone, rather than becoming a burden on the state. Financial astuteness and ingenuity, on the other hand, are greatly appreciated and sharp practice, creative accounting and embezzlement are frequently rewarded.
(*Citizens with an annual income of over £500,000 are able to opt out of the tax system)
The British political system is the envy of the world. British people look up to their elected leaders, trust in their judgement implicitly and hardly ever do rioting or any of that shit. But if British people are loyal to their government, this is but a fraction of the love they have for the Monarchy. Nobody in Britain thinks that the Royal Family are the inbred descendants of a gang of medieval horse thieves, who exist in an artificial bubble of opulence and have no concept of how real people live. No, in fact most Britons realise that the Queen is one of the hardest working people in the country, with a punishing schedule that requires her to step out of her palace as many as three times a month and wave at people for half an hour. Rather you than me, Maam!
There's more to being British than simply being born here. It isn't easy. But don't worry if you don't make it - deportation isn't all that bad. Who knows, you could even end up somewhere sunny.
Above all don't despair! We might not want you at the moment but, hey, things change: the economic climate, global warming, natural catastrophe... there might even be another war in the offing, in which case we'll welcome you back with open arms! The thing is to maintain a stiff upper lip, keep the Union Jack flying and one day, who knows, we might just send for you. Good luck!
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