Optical Gravy

Dinner ladies at Manchester University have discovered a way of transmitting gravy via fibre optic cables. The process works by converting individual gravy granules into discrete packets of light and then streaming them down specially prepared cables, greased with goose fat. At present the technique works with most types of gravy, although the team hit a stumbling block when they tried to adapt the process to work with other foodstuffs.

"The possibilities are awesome, so we're determined to crack the problem," said Head of Carrots, Doris Maypole-Claypole. "Imagine being able to download custard from the internet, or faxing treacle. This kind of technology will change how we think about mealtimes forever."

In a separate project, caretakers at the Lincoln School of Performing Arts have been firing peas through a gap in the dance studio wall. They claim that they are trying to determine whether peas are particles or waves, but experts say that they're really not fooling anyone.