The Sandwich: #124

The Sandwich

#124

I'm falling backwards through the darkness. My attempt to infiltrate the cats' home has gone horribly wrong. The furry monsters leapt at me, tumbling me back into the void, scratching and tearing and ripping at my flesh as I plummeted to my inevitable doom. Golly wotsit, this is a right old pickle.

I don't know what goes through your head whenever you are falling from a second-floor window with a face full of murderous moggies, in the sure and certain knowledge that you will inevitably come to grief on something hard and/or sharp on the ground below, but whenever it happens to me I can't help but think about my Uncle Cyril. It's unlikely that you would know my Uncle Cyril, so I expect you think about something else whenever you are in this situation, but for me it's Uncle Cyril all the time.

The reason I think of Uncle Cyril is that he had a dread fear of falling to his death, and so he wore a parachute wherever he went. My Uncle Cyril never travelled by air, lived in a bungalow, never rode on the top deck of a bus and managed to avoid staircases his entire life. He died when he fell down a manhole and his chute failed to open, and I can't help but think that whatever precautions you take, the brutal truth is that once your number's up, that's it sonny.

What would be really nice, I thought as I fell, would be if I landed on a mattress, and as luck would have it, I didn't. I landed on the next best thing, which was a compost heap, and I'm not sure who was more surprised - me, the cats or the small community of slugs that had been happily munching their way through a rotting lettuce leaf prior to my unexpected arrival.

 

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